‘Do not try to be perfect parent, instead practice need-based parenting,’ says Turkish psychologist
To be a “perfect mother” it takes 100% patience, understanding, devotion, compassion and never-ending energy.
That feat is barely possible for any human if you do not consider what your family wants or needs, according to psychologists.
Women today are faced with unrealistic expectations about “perfect motherhood,” especially because of social media platforms and society itself, said Busra Ceren Erturk, a psychologist in the Turkish capital of Ankara.
There is a perception about women, especially mothers or those planning to be one, that they should give all they have both mentally and physically to be seen as “perfect mothers,” she said.
Social media propagates the image of a perfect mother as the one who is equipped with selflessness and patience, she said, adding that she does not believe that a single type of motherhood has to be the perfect model.
One should not forget that every child comes to the world with different characteristics and needs, she said.
Being a supportive mother by analyzing the expectations of both the child and ourselves matters much more than trying to be “the mother” that is imposed by others, said Erturk.
“I recently watched a movie that said the most valuable thing that a child may have is a healthy mother,” she said, pointing out that acting according to what the outside world says about perfect motherhood would eventually disturb women’s minds.
Mothers are expected to take care of the child all day, play games with them, clean the house, and nurture their child with organic food, while also handling personal staff and their husband’s needs and desires as well, she said.
“This unlikely cycle consumes women and can actually make them intolerant in the long run,” she warned.
“In addition, when even the lowest standards expected of a mother are met by a father, he is chosen as the father of the year,” she said, adding that women, at some point, have to remind themselves that their own needs are as important as the needs of motherhood.
“Because after losing ourselves on the way to perfection and letting down that young woman who dreams of being perfect, we can't stay mentally healthy and most of all we might let down our child at points we didn't even expect,” she said.
Stressing the importance of trying to keep alive personal excitements, and meeting personal needs to be a dynamic mother, Erturk urged women to not forget about themselves.
Moreover, fathers should remember that their roles in their little ones’ lives are as important as the role of mothers, she said, and urged society to adapt to the “new world order” when determining parental duties.
Motherhood is not a race in which women compete with each other, she said.
- ‘Mothers should not aim to be perfect’
Bilge Canan Cukurkavakli, another Turkish psychologist in Ankara, told Anadolu that the meaning of “perfect mother” changes from family to family in accordance with dynamics.
“The expectations of both the mother and child from motherhood” determine the very meaning in every family, she said.
“One child would see a mother who meets their needs as a perfect mother, while another child would see a mother who teaches to meet their needs as a perfect one,” said Cukurkavakli.
But social media platforms play a vital role in defining the concept in our society, she said, adding that mothers become critical about how they perform when they come across other mothers who seem to have endless patience, compassion, energy and understanding toward their children.
“Mothers should not aim to be perfect but to notice the needs of their families and to make an effort in meeting them,” she suggested.
She emphasized that mothers should prioritize their own happiness to reflect it to their little ones afterward.
“Please, do not force yourself to integrate the actions of mothers who seem to be perfect … this will wear you and your family out,” Cukurkavakli said.
“Do not try to be the perfect parent, instead practice need-based parenting,” she said.
